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 Ducky M |
#121 | |||
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Posts: 10 11/03/09 19:49:42 |
xpsyuvz wrote:I have always believed that prayer is useful for those who pray -- as long as the prayer is about good luck for others. Some of that good luck is bound to be reflected back to those who pray. And a prayer is nothing more than any sincere desire. 
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xpsyuvz |
#122 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/04/09 14:58:14 |
DM,
Nicely said.
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xpsyuvz |
#123 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/11/09 04:04:31 |
Good old fashion games. (I'm a bit of a Luddite, in the techno-phobia sense. So this is a story about games that are non-computer-esque.)
Sammy is playing Checkers or Chess with a god who has chosen to play black: the side that say's Sammy's opponent will
inevitably show Sammy his defeater-god is non-other than Suffering and Death.
Sammy looks at his map: Rats. You just sank my Battleship. Satan continues: Yes, there is no escape. I can beat you here or there, I can beat you anywhere. Want to play me at Chutes and Ladders? Or in Candyland? ...Or even at Tic Tac Toe? I control your brain. Again, with anything, even if you have a fish or a dish I will always beat you anywhere. Sammy feels: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck me. Fuck, fuck, fuck me. Fuck. (I hate you.) Some References:
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xpsyuvz |
#124 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/12/09 04:18:54 |
I'm trying to carefully live.
I can't do this anymore. If a girlfriend existed,
What does your face look like?
The mysterious police say hello.
Some fellow, humans are killing everyone else.
I try to understand: I'm wrong. I'm probably a cause of the problem.
Watching a weak body awkwardly fall down some stairs, is almost entertaining.... |
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MKULTRA ver II |
#125 | |||
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Posts: 53 11/12/09 18:37:41 |
Nice stuff. I liked it.
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xpsyuvz |
#126 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/14/09 16:05:48 |
Thanks.
Unfortunately, I only seem to want to write after I drink. The rest of this post is more for introspection/therapy for myself. I'm not interested in much in life, but lately I like to write -- for myself in a cathartic sense -- but that means the creation has to feel like it's coming from something authentic. But I don't want my "desire to want something in life", like liking experimenting with various, aesthetic puzzles that use the building blocks of writing words/describing thoughts, to lead me too much into the alcohol avenue. (After writing that sentence I thought of: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It_was_a_dark_and_stormy_night ) (In the sense of trying to explain or describe everything I meant which then turns into a long sentence or long thought. ...At some point, writing too much (or too little) is more self indulgent, rather than considering other's situations and attempting an efficient communication with them.) Then back to me: I'm thinking: if I can learn to self-hypnotize myself better (to dig in to my subconsious issues/feelings) (...and then maybe resort to caffiene?) that, that might work and be healthier for helping me. (...Personal experimentations...) BTW, with my previous post, I also had electronica music in the background which seemed to have some affect on what I was going to write about and/or how I was going to write it. (So it was a product/summation of alcohol, me (and my internal problems), and music.)
Last Edited By: xpsyuvz 11/14/09 17:13:48.
Edited 3 times.
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MKULTRA ver II |
#127 | |||
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Posts: 53 11/14/09 18:23:33 |
I've been drinking mid-strength beer recently. I found my normal habit of drinking sherry and taking codeine and sleeping pills was starting to make me
sick and miserable. But I get bored when I'm sober all the time.
So I now occasionally have nights of drinking mid strength beer. One bottle (375ml) is equivalent to one standard drink in Australia. The weird thing is, I've found having 3 standard drinks over 3 or 4 hours this way just as satifying as having 12 or so standard drinks over the same time period with sherry. And with no hangover. I think my liver and brain must be a bit worn out. :) I remember a time when I found the idea of light or mid strength alcohol a ridiculous concept. |
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xpsyuvz |
#128 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/15/09 08:14:12 |
A large fear is sleep walking. What if I did what I just dreamed? Nevermind, and thankfully it doesn't seem to happen. One Australian standard sized drink per hour adds up quickly with me. (Also. :) ) (For a moment, I thought I was on a spaceship saying hello to MK.) This last week I was averaging less than one hour of sleep per day.
Me: Hello, investigating sheriff.
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MKULTRA ver II |
#129 | |||
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Posts: 53 11/15/09 17:37:05 |
One standard drink per hour might not add up as quickly as you'd think, because the (healthy) body can process exactly one standard drink per hour. :)
That's for an Australian Standard Drink, I recall the U.S. one being a bit larger. |
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xpsyuvz |
#130 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/15/09 18:25:37 |
Preface: I'm a bit really frustrated and confused at the moment.
Yes, and personal grrr. I prefer the Australian measurements, but have to start realizing I'm not healthy and it also throws any results off a bit. (It's embarrassing and sobering when one is hypnotically looking at one's own shit and thinking what is up with the color
(sometimes green) and it's frequency....)
(Is it okay if I say I feel psychadelically depressed here in my midst of an atmosphere of confusion? Maybe tomorrow ... (fuck,
darkness, hell, I hate sleep) I 'll feel better...
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xpsyuvz |
#131 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/16/09 03:57:26 |
I recently got over an hour of sleep. And feel much better.
So next afterwards:
Hey, what about those Redhawks? (A (made-up) team I know nothing about in a sports realm I know nothing about.) They really
dropped the ball in that one game. But maybe they'll still win a title or trophy in the end series?
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xpsyuvz |
#132 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/18/09 08:38:28 |
I walk into the dining room with a plate.
"Here is your meal, my master," I say with a smile. And with a bow. God/master says, "This meal is poisoned." "Correct, all knowing and indestructible master," I say. "Please, take it as a gesture from your servants that we hate you." He takes out a pickle from the food on the plate. It was specifically laced with poison from me.
[God takes a bite of his food.]
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xpsyuvz |
#133 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/18/09 14:09:17 |
It might not end with a proper ending, but this story starts with a beginning thusly: Me: Hello, doctor.
Doctor/partial dentist: Brush your fucking teeth … ...and prepare to die. Me: Thanks, Doc. I'll also try to change into clean underwear, before a certain event happens.
Priest at the funeral says: Holy of holy's... Shit! This person is f-ing dead. Written on my tombstone: Below this stone, in the ground, there may lay a corpse. And then there is a stone protruding from the ground, forgotten by others. But as the season's change, it's a marker of a rotting corpse in a box that is me. Me, as a skeleton that smiles from with in and from out from a grave: I'm still smiling, hello, any friend, out there. The End. |
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xpsyuvz |
#134 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/22/09 03:36:48 |
Bored?
Here's a pathetic road trip idea: This link it just an into map:
Starting from Yellowstone national Park, you can drive through it and maybe see bison and bears, and geysers.
My recommendation: keep driving into the ocean, where past the Californians, there may be interesting fish and mysterious stuff
in the ocean.
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MKULTRA ver II |
#135 | |||
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Posts: 53 11/23/09 13:39:16 |
I don't know if I could handle a road trip, unless I had my computer and mobile broadband too.
Gah! It's 5.20 am and I'm slightly drunk and on a low dose of codeine. This wouldn't be so bad, except that I've been slightly drunk and on codeine for the last 3 nights. Last night the codeine took me by surprise. It made me itch all over, something I haven't experience in years. I had to lay down on the floor to stop the nuasea, and I was worried that I might pass out and stop breathing. But it settled and I was ok, I went to bed and slept until 4 pm last afternoon. Codeine is pretty boring, but it does make me sleep for long peroids and have lots of dreams. But the withdrawal is horrible, nasty headaches that last for days and scary, hallucinogenic nightmares. Spiders bursting out of empty space type horrors. I've found about 3 days is the limit of codeine abuse before the negatives start to kick in. My current out-of-sync state (awake since 4pm yesterday) reminds me of something. Alcohol keeps you awake. If I drink I stay up much later. Alcohol might be contributing significantly to your insomnia. Ha, I'm bored and drunk and also in the mood to type. Let's see... I'm often envious of your tangental prose, when I try the same thing it comes out fake, tacky and forced. I wonder what I can write.... I've had a fair few hallucinations in my life. Some caused by sickness, a lot caused by taking drugs. Some terrifying, I thought they would be the end of me or worse, that I'd be trapped in hell forever. Others were wonderous. Also there's my interest in dreams, I watch my dreams much more than healthy people do. It boggles me that every night theres this noisy stream of hectic activity, running around, weirdness, fun, horror, spectacle and mute greyness, chaos. It all gets erased when we awake, and we feel like nothing has happened since we went to be 8 hours eariler. But I know better. I wake up constantly through the night and record the visions and adventures onto tape. But weirdly, I still forget most of it next day, although if I listen to the tape it all comes back to me. I'm looking for secret messages, sometimes I find them, although there's always ambiguity. But I'm open minded. I have often wished I had a better connection to the alien world I see in hallucinations and dreams, but so much of it is dangerous self-projected neurotic noise... I've had a lot of bad trips to go with the good. And when I hear about your predicament, it reminds me how powerful this stuff is. You don't want too much of it. I once decided to be half psychotic. On the one hand I feel I failed to reach this goal, but on the other I wonder if perhaps I did reach it, but psychosis is such powerful stuff that just a small ammount is more than enough to make you hit the halfway mark, and you can't tell just how deranged you've become. I certainly feel weird in 90% of social situations, but maybe that's just my introverted nature. |
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xpsyuvz |
#136 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/24/09 23:47:11 |
MK,
As a friend, on the opposite side of planet Earth, I wanted to say, I appreciated your last response. Here's an awkward response (and I'm tired) : (In a dissociative sense, I may partially respond where Sammy is strongly there. (Sammy is not a voice, just a monster part of me. You would have to look into my eyes to see when Sammy is "there" or "not there". (Maybe look for madness for distinguishments?)) Road trip:
(Sadly, I'll continue...)
Codeine with alcohol:
I thought they would be the end of me or worse, that I'd be trapped in hell forever. I hated the panic experience of "this LSD trip is never going to end". (But at least on LSD, I had a hope-vision of how the chemical to brain experience would wear off. (But, I'm not on LSD, though.... Grr...))
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xpsyuvz |
#137 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/25/09 16:59:36 |
I was excited to buy a fun, new gadget today.
It was an alcohol breathalyzer. ...Until I tried it out: ….It first read 0.30 % BAC. (I thought I was normal...) Then I drank until I was "happy" --- where the device apparently doesn't measure past 0.40% BAC. This gadget is depressing me, now.
Last Edited By: xpsyuvz 11/25/09 17:02:27.
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MKULTRA ver II |
#138 | |||
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Posts: 53 11/25/09 18:41:11 |
Yeah, I figured your drinking was pretty bad. You are, my friend, a serious alcoholic. I dread your fate if you continue. I also think you'll need medical
help to stop, because the withdrawals from alcohol are dangerous and unpleasant. Though not as bad as life on the street as a homeless, starved, shit-stinking
alcoholic schizophrenic with blind, light blue cataract eyes. I mention that because I saw one the other day, he spoke in a barely comprehensible gargle. I
suspected he'd die within days as he asked me for money.
Edit: Hey, from the BAC page it looks like Australia and the US have the same sized unit drink afterall.
Last Edited By: MKULTRA ver II 11/25/09 18:43:35.
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xpsyuvz |
#139 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/26/09 10:38:08 |
MK,
(Whimper.) Nice image (of that person) to go with your message.
Psychologically I can barely wrap my mind around this.
I've always hated this song, but somehow it seems to be comforting for a moment:
Last Edited By: xpsyuvz 11/26/09 10:45:44.
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xpsyuvz |
#140 | |||
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Posts: 99 11/29/09 20:09:16 |
.... Grrr.
Now, I remember why, years ago, before I started drinking, how I could just stare at a wall... over and over again. (A bit catatonia like.) There is a wall. (It's first seems so blank and innocent. Then becomes pretty and ugly. Romantically beautiful and sadistically boring,) (More semi-grrr feelings.) The wall has parts.
But back to the wall and it's
where Satan has smiling teeth,
But back to my wall's personal message to me:
So that's me:
Which made me think of an abstract joke:
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