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xpsyuvz		#81	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 08/09/09 13:16:10	DM, I started with silence -- but maybe in a sick sense? I loved (and still love) meditation, laziness, catatonia. Bored and content. (I spent a few years, just staring at a wall -- I don't regret it -- it was peaceful nice.) Then (around 2002?) my voices pushed me. I think they are a source of pressuring me out of my tamasic state towards a rajas state. (?) But actually, the voices didn't push me towards anything optimistic -- mostly just into alcohol and nicotine to try to deal with annoyances of life and dealing with my voices, themselves. Alcohol and nicotine feel like a cane to help me walk (through a rajas guna?). If I lean on them for rebalance, I either imagine (often hallucinatory) to either hide from things (retreat to tamas), or they remind me of a sattva fantasy/dream/goal (but in a realm where eventually drugs don't belong).
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xpsyuvz		#82	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 08/19/09 21:54:54	Just some unfortunate (childish-horror) prose: Jesse James sat in a restaurant. The atmosphere was green. There was a spider on the wall. But it squirmed like a snake. Jesse would have shot it, but for some reason he didn't because it was green. A demon sharpened his knives. In the kitchen, a chef sharpened his knives. The waitress came to Jesse and asked "What do you want?" The menu's words were moving around the page weirdly. "Something not too weird." he said. "Grilled cheese sandwich?" she suggested. "Yes," he said, "But with jalapeno peppers." The green atmosphere said to a victim, "I think you'll get more than that." For fun, the chef stomped on a rat and put it's corpse in a grilled cheese sandwich. (Then a demon began a spell.) Nurse: He needs a grilled cheese sandwich. Doctor: Here it is. Nurse: But with jalapenos... Satan breathed something onto the sandwich. (It looked like blades that could slice a skull in half.) Chef (after adding jalapeno peppers): Okay, now, here it is. The waitress brought Jesse James his sandwich, who was mesmerized by something green on the wall with either something reptilian or non- reptilian, or insect-like or non- insect-like. She said: Here, take a bite. After the first bite, Jesse died. (Cause of death: Supposedly, a heart attack. But he had cancer anyway...)
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xpsyuvz		#83	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 08/23/09 07:47:08	Downwards. From the sky and then onto a tower she lands. From the blowing wind, her red hair is waving. From atop a roof. She morphs through the ceiling. And through a chandelier. And continues to drip downwards into some room. Until her form finally finds some stairs. And then she walks downwards. She's also holding flowers that might mutate into mushrooms. She smiled as she walked past me. But the smile was towards a chimera behind me. ...Where she joined him. On some floor. At a table. Where they then dine together. While watching them, I imagine they're conspiring to conquer the world. The chef gave me a knife. And I'm in a waiter's uniform. To save the world, Maybe I need to kill someone? I try to ignore things, but decide to just take their order. "What would you like to order/eat?" (If they order anything that involves fish, which I hate, I may start stabbing things. Otherwise: go along as usual, I don't care...)
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MKULTRA ver II		#84	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 09/03/09 06:28:30	The radio station I listen to at work had a special on people who hear voices today. They interviewed one girl who was really in a bad way, she didn't respond to drugs either. The voice was very hostile. They mentioned some support groups who deal with hearing voices. One technique mentioned was to whisper quietly to yourself when the voices start. For some people this interferes with the brain systems responsible for the voices, and they stop.
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Ducky M		#85	[url]	[-]
Posts: 10 09/06/09 21:13:41	Makes sense. That's probably why "Shhhhhhh..." means "Shhhhhh... ...ut up". Sort of a white noise. And since white noise contains all the frequencies, white noise helps us to become whole. Just imagine sitting down next to a waterfall... ............................. ... while resisting the temptation of prematurely ending the reverie/meditation with "...it!" Last Edited By: Ducky M 09/06/09 21:19:16. Edited 1 time.
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xpsyuvz		#86	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 09/08/09 09:32:34	MK, They mentioned some support groups who deal with hearing voices. One technique mentioned was to whisper quietly to yourself when the voices start. For some people this interferes with the brain systems responsible for the voices, and they stop. Interesting. When my voices were really mean and invasive, I did use to try to internally talk or just simply count numbers to distract me from them, but it never worked. I didn't actually try vocally whispering until just now and it didn't work either. I couldn't finish a sentence without them sidetracking me (making fun of my attempt). However, the voices haven't lately been a problem lately (so it is a different environment). Me to my voices: Hey, I was just testing, to see if it would be helpful if you return to your sadistic ways again, okay? I'm trying to figure out why aren't the voices as mean now? 1. It could be because I'm obeying their apparent desires that I'm not attempting to sleep until after 36 to 48+ hours of awake-ness has happened. (Somehow such awakeness periods now feels routine.) 2. They wanted me to become addicted to alcohol and nicotine to put me into an addition test. I'm addicted now (to substances that will kill me early), so they don't need to press the issue anymore, and so they've backed off a bit. 　　 DuckyM, Makes sense. That's probably why "Shhhhhhh..." means "Shhhhhh... ...ut up". Sort of a white noise. And since white noise contains all the frequencies, white noise helps us to become whole. Just imagine sitting down next to a waterfall… Actually, some voice hearers mention that white noise sounds do trigger voices. It's not the case for me. However, there is one bathroom fan sound at work that whenever it's on I think I'm hearing someone talking just outside its noise, maybe just outside of where I'm at (maybe just outside the room). But it's not one of my "voice/beings", but rather a trick of frequencies (and it's not pure white noise). And in such cases, for me, I don't hear any distinct words. So I meant to say, I do appreciate certain white-like noises, friend.
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Ducky M		#87	[url]	[-]
Posts: 10 09/09/09 00:31:32	Actually, some voice hearers mention that white noise sounds do trigger voices. It's not the case for me. I'm not surprised. It seems to be pretty difficult to come up with rules which will work for everybody. We need to try different rituals and stick with whatever works.
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MKULTRA ver II		#88	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 09/09/09 05:26:30	I'm trying to figure out why aren't the voices as mean now? 1. It could be because I'm obeying their apparent desires that I'm not attempting to sleep until after 36 to 48+ hours of awake-ness has happened. (Somehow such awakeness periods now feels routine.) 2. They wanted me to become addicted to alcohol and nicotine to put me into an addition test. I'm addicted now (to substances that will kill me early), so they don't need to press the issue anymore, and so they've backed off a bit. Well, don't ignore the obvious. The voices are a product of a misfiring brain. When your brain is so tired and/or drunk that it can barely function, it can't generate the voices anymore. Problem is, this pattern of alcohol and sleeplessness is actually making you worse long term. It's a terrible pity that you won't try and get professional help. You'll end up on the streets. It isn't going to get better on it's own, it's going to get worse. I think you should start focusing on the idea that these voices are not real, external agents with magical powers. They are the result of bad wiring in your own subconscious neural net. And I'm not saying that as a certain truth, but as the more practical way of looking at them. It doesn't help to glorify them. Even if it happened to be that they were some kind of magical external force, you'd still be better off believing they were the result of bad brain wiring. Magical thinking isn't doing you any good at all. Perhaps you feel better now that before, but it's an illusion, you're going downhill into the life of the sick, schizophrenic alcoholic homeless person. The temporary relief you're getting via alcoholism won't last, you're overall health is deteriorating. I'm not trying to be mean, I just feel sad at your predicament and wish you could summon the energy to find a better solution. Alcoholism on it's own really fucks people up, add schizoid problems to that and it's a very bad predicament, heading in a very bad direction. :(
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xpsyuvz		#89	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 09/11/09 13:32:13	MK, With my voices I'm not sure I can change my belief about them. I've tried to believe they're just a misfire in my physical brain, but it was too much effort and then I still couldn't honestly believe it. So now I just try to ignore and forget every aspect about them as much as I can. However with alcohol, I feel I may have a chance in reprogramming my brain/beliefs so that I can kick the habit. And if I can quit alcohol, it should reduce a lot of other symptoms. (I was having a bad, trippy, nightmare day earlier and I believe alcohol was a large part of the cause. Then your post gave me a nice additional intervention-like picture.)
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MKULTRA ver II		#90	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 09/16/09 07:53:59	I listened to Digitally Imported's Breaks streaming AAC channel today. It was pretty good. But this kind of thing is hit and miss, there are good days and bad.
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xpsyuvz		#91	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 09/18/09 12:00:45	I listened to the Breaks channel once, and seem to remember liking it. I mostly listen to PsyChill, but was recently thinking I should explore the other DI channels. I have memories of liking Dub. I may try searching the internet that sort of a station... I guess I like internet radio more than I thought. It's too much effort vs. reward to find specific songs I like and then to create a playlist.
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xpsyuvz		#92	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 09/22/09 14:21:31	(I hate to vent, but here I go again: ) Submachine guns: What a clever, haunting invention. I get creeped out by them. (Actually, I was listening to some movie with a lot of machine gun fire while I was sleep deprived. My eyes were closed, falling asleep, but I was still hearing/listening to a DVD where machine gun blasts triggered my pseudo-dreams.) I imagined Nazi's storming buildings in Poland using the automatic gun tool to kill Jews on sight on each building level. (This maybe an inaccurate interpretation of history though? But... ) The Germans don't even need perfect aim: just point the machine gun in the general direction and start firing. How can an unarmed victim/Jew run from such an army with attacking automatic guns? Hopefully a good hiding place? Where the shooters would not think to shoot randomly towards something behind a certain, hiding wall? Fanatsy: Some Mr. Hyde Jr. (from the Jekyll descent) was a Jew amidst those Poland "cleansing" attacks. Hyde had supernatural instincts where he could react and over-power any Nazi before they could pull their gun's trigger. "Pull the trigger and you are dead," Hyde would warn. For some reason each Nazi always pulled the trigger. But Hyde was faster than their trigger fingers, being able to rush to them, twist the gun towards their own heads and let their own fingers trigger an automatic string of bullets into each of their own heads. Un-fantasy: I guess that's not how the WW2 Allied forces beat the Axis powers, though. Then in Hiroshima or Nagasaki, I imagine, there's a nice setting for a horror story... I've not slept in days. Zombies of the Spanish Inquesition in Hiroshima post atomic bomb, doesn't feel too comforting. Nevermind. Other than that, I will try to relax now.
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Asplagis		#93	[url]	[-]
Posts: 9 09/23/09 11:36:29	The Blind Dead meets Kuro Ame? Slow as molasses Spanish exploitation classic meets visually stunning Japanese arthouse masterpiece? Asplagis
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xpsyuvz		#94	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 09/23/09 13:14:40	Because of Aspalgis, Now I'm curious about Kuroi Ame. (Actually, I was previously just thinking of mixing the worst of the worst History-wise... But soon I have to drive to a job (to earn a living to survive). Today I feel: Anxiety levels is high and at fukking frustrating hell levels.)
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xpsyuvz		#95	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 10/09/09 00:14:09	No one else should be reading this forum by now? Thanks MK for providing a dead sea for me to potentially swim in. (Alcohol is an evil trigger. I want to kick it away -- day after day, forever.) (Today, again, someone made fun of my tics/twitches, which I usually can hide, but today couldn't. My voices echoed their laughter through my head. ...Shut up!) Anyway, here's some fiction (or dumb words to cross ones eyes, while one listens to music one might like). ------- There's a sign that says: "Caution. Beware. Warning. No Entry. Go back! No trespassing. Private property of the devil. This place is hell. Do you like your eyeballs popping out and having your skin ripped off? If so, then this is the place. And welcome, victim." If I saw a sign that said that, I probably wouldn't proceed past it -- unless my favorite dog ran into that place. I love my dog, so I might attempt a quick "following chase" to try and retrieve my puppy dog friend. (Actually, I don't own a pet, though.) (Alternative ending: I enter such a place slightly out of curiosity but get my eyes get popped out (spirally reeling backwards) and my skin gets ripped off. -- Rats, that wasn't fun at all.) -------- The next fiction is very rough-draft-esque and very dumb: ------- George's name used to be Grover. He comes from a castle of hell -- a comforting place of H. E. Double Toothpicks. HE Listens to his Lessons. in Hell-school. But during recess, Grover tends to have a sick sense of humor. That's just how he worships his haunting gods. Like a child playing with children in a playground, He just wants to slightly maim his playmates. "I'm a grouchy troll...", Grover likes to imagine. Teacher: George, your name is not Grover anymore. George: Does your 'giving advice to me' mean you love me, Ms. Sexy Teacher? Neither of them remember or understand the name changes. It just happens. A kiss on the lips would be inappropriate here. Even Grover holding his knife, takes a step back. But now he wants to slice off people's lips. He sees shadows of doctors followed up with a background of a tunnel of towering nurses all holding threatening needles. If he acted upon his instincts, about lipslessness-es That could be weird. Because George is rather deaf and depends a lot upon reading lips. But such ripped up faces would look much more like gory skulls, and Grover would like that. George is freaked out, and then becomes self consciously worried about also potential blindness. And out of fear, he tells Grover: Please don't gouge out my own eyes. Please don't gouge out my eyes. Please don't gouge out my eyes. Please don't gouge my eyes out. Please stop! But it's up to Grover's gods, though… The End. And they mostly all lived happily ever after. Until death did they all die at once and then departed from one another. (?) (I hope I don't still meet my voices after death.)
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MKULTRA ver II		#96	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 10/10/09 09:57:25	There's a sign that says: "Caution. Beware. Warning. No Entry. Go back! No trespassing. Private property of the devil. This place is hell. I see places like that in dreams. Areas that are cutoff because the ground is full of thrown away syringes when I have bare feet, or that have webs and red back spiders the size of oranges. Or sometimes just a cave, or even a door, or a corridor that I somehow know leads into the lair of a serial killer. Places that radiate "Keep away." Designed to keep the stray dreamers out.
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xpsyuvz		#97	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 10/11/09 12:29:13	To me the "Warning. No Trespassing," sign seems almost archetypal. With fiction, I imagine it abstractly as a basic beginning of a horror story. E.g. Abstractly the gypsy fortune teller tells the protagonist, "Beware". (Of course, the story then moves into and past that warning sign.) But with dreams, lucid-wise it's almost a buzz-kill signpost. That is, while sleeping, if I try to pursue/continue past that sign, I'll wake up (e.g. because my fear will increase so much that it jerks me out of my trance). 　 Dream experiences: I rarely naturally dream anymore. I need to watch TV or movies to cancel out internal annoyances to try to fall asleep. The other day, I thought I was falling asleep to the Food Network, but was feeling confused. Finally I looked at the TV and noticed that I had been listening to CNN (a news network). (I was tired, and my sleepy brain must have gotten confused, thinking it was listening to Food recipes (channel 40), but it was actually listening to News (channel 41). Funny -- but maybe you had to be there. Back when I often naturally dreamed, it was often about escape. I loved that I was able to fly. I could escape almost any worst oppression. But I couldn't fly through walls... And that reduced me back to paralysis. Trying to run but not being able to go anywhere or escape. (When one sleeps, I believe the body gets paralyzed from the mind -- to hopefully keep the body from sleepwalking...) Sleep can creep people like me out. Fear of sleep: Somniphobia or hypnophobia. Bleh. I'm so tired right now. Last Edited By: xpsyuvz 10/11/09 12:34:20. Edited 1 time.
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xpsyuvz		#98	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 10/14/09 17:08:29	Begin: While wearing a stove pipe hat, and reading a book in Braille, George sneezed. His fingers then rubbed over sneezed over, slimy bumps on the page. The slimy Braille book read, "It's raining and dark outside." George looked out the window, saw his reflection, but also noticed it was raining and dark outside. :The end. (Just feeling bored. But maybe something alive?) Last Edited By: xpsyuvz 10/14/09 17:16:48. Edited 1 time.
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Moebius Duck		#99	[url]	[-]
Posts: 11 10/24/09 02:23:37	xpsyuvz wrote: No one else should be reading this forum by now? I ( the same old Ducky M, and yet not the same ) still am. "I am a strange loop." --- Douglas Hofstadter
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xpsyuvz		#100	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 10/25/09 00:45:29	DuckyM, or Moebius Duck, Hello, friend. I do lurk in a few posts about you on KIR. Because of some accident: My computer has crashed, and I lost over three years of memory or over 150 GB of memory. (...All lost.) Now I'm trying to figure out how to navigate in my computer with new Windows 7-- I've got lots of strange avenues to test... (Bleh, it took me several hours just to figure out how to find this stupid place to type this (stupidness) today.)
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