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xpsyuvz		#61	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/08/09 04:47:53	(I love summer heat --- especially at night. And then an incomplete diary..) Road trip fun: Me: Okay, gas -stop. Everyone who wants a break, take it. Usually this would seem like a clown car scenario where the following would jump out to pee or go for treats: Anger, fear, frustration, insomnia, apathy, depression, confusion, sadness, regret, loneliness, alcoholism, horrific boredom, and 11 voices. But we're in (imaginaryily in ) Nebraska at night and only me and insomnia and confusion are awake. Confusion: Weren't we supposed to be in Oklahoma by now? My subconscious-ness: We haven't even reached Kansas, yet, okay….? But, indeed, the guy in the service station seemed to have three eyeballs. So we quickly filled up gas and drove away as quickly as possible…
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MKULTRA ver II		#62	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 07/08/09 07:14:28	It's interesting to me how much you stream-of-consciousness experiences are like my dreams. Only difference being that not all of my dreams have a lot of anxiety, some are nice or fun. Some aren't, of course. I do like hearing of you experiences. I have a book by William Borroughs that is just a collection of his dreams, "My Education. A Book of Dreams." It also is a lot like your descriptions. I really liked that book.
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xpsyuvz		#63	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/08/09 20:13:26	I wish I read your post a couple of hours ago. Before my library closed. But that specific book, my city library doesn't even hold (I figured that out through internet info). But the library has other W.S. Burroughs stuff -- which I probably would find interesting. (Imagining.) Maybe I'm in Florida now. In some swamp. In some swamp. And there are alligators with mouths with teeth. And there are external zombies wearing army helmets and pointing guns towards the alligators telling them not to bite me just yet. I'm thankful. But maybe I'm sad, confused, and still afraid... Tomorrow maybe will be different -- -even without sleep?
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xpsyuvz		#64	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/09/09 02:12:17	Road Trip Part 2: (Sorry, this will probably be stupid.) 　 Me: (I don't want to say much.) I pulled over to the side of the road. Confusion: Hey, we're here, right? Me: Yeah, see, those approaching signs that say, "Carnival of Hell"? That caravan should be arriving soon. Something is slowly approaching and crickets chirp and I'm reminded of nervousness. There may even be some applause with introductory clapping... (Then maybe something has already arrived.) Voice #1: You haven't slept in days, have you? Me: What? Voice #1: (indescribable dance-song with a "you suck" message.) Me: What? Voice #1: Your pilgrimage snorted up shit, and you let it infect your nervous system. Me: Whatever. Let's just wave ""hello and goodbye" as a certain caravan passes by. A caravan passes by. I see ghosts from hell with swords. And I feel like I'm falling down some throat of death, but I just don't care anymore... But it just passes by. Voice #1: You hoped they'd want you? You have no useful talents. Me: What? Confusion: Four days without sleep. Let's take a bit of Ambien, okay? It is true I haven't slept much. I think sleep is maybe going to happen soon, though....
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xpsyuvz		#65	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/10/09 04:20:31	There was a third part to that Road Trip story: Someone from that Carnival of Hell caravan went out of their way to come back and personally tell me "Hi". I think it was just voice #3. Me: Heh, "Hi" back. There seemed to be an invitation of maybe "you can join us after you're several lifetimes dead reincarnarions". ME: What? And I was left thinking: My life sucks enough how it is -- in it's own environment. I took some Ambien, and I'm so close to sleep I feel paralysis, and I might be tasting it/sleep... (But so far, I'm still awake and getting ready for a few more days without sleep...)
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xpsyuvz		#66	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/12/09 07:14:30	Frustration: (Today, I gave up when I was thinking: Hi, I'm zombie-slob-mob-rob-bob-blob...) I talked myself out of seeking a doctor. Because I'd probably just end up dealing with receptionists that would lead to waiting rooms to inadequate doctors... (And there's a monetary issue, too.) (But just to imagine: ) To a receptionist: (Oh, yeah, I may have a speech impediment (stuttering that interferes with and slows information, communication flow) and hallucinations in a Tourrettes Syndrome way. ) Me: Hi. I. I. I fuck rats. No, incorrect. I. I wanted to fuck cats. No. I th-th-think you're fat. No, no, no. I mean I think cats fuck rats, because you're so fucking fat... -- Ahw, fucking, never mind... (But what more probably would come out would maybe be: ) Me: Hello. A doctor? The very best case result scenario: Receptionist responds: It sounds like you want an appointment with Dr. X? Me: Yes, that's what I meant. (Even though I don't think it would help.) ...I don't know. (This was written with a bit of exaggeration, in my imaginary land.) But years ago Voice#1 mentioned "brain tumor". And I still worry I may have one...
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MKULTRA ver II		#67	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 07/13/09 08:31:40	Pity US doctors are so expensive. Mind you, if you don't already have a file that says you have schizotypal symptoms, perhaps that's you chance to get insurance and then get that to pay for the medical treatment. I mention this only because I hate to think you might end up homeless if the alcoholism and other symptoms get worse.
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MKULTRA ver II		#68	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 07/14/09 05:46:52	I considered posting some of my own dreams, but they're just too boring. Well, they're not boring while they're happening, often they are pretty incredible, but when I describe them they lose a lot of their glamour. I had a lucid dream a few nights ago, it was pretty good. I realized I was dreaming while looking at the cityscape in the distance, it was very detailed and the skyscrapers were quite futuristic, and I figured this wasn't the city I'm used to looking at. I'm experienced enough now not to get too excited when I realize I'm dreaming, since that wakes me up pretty quickly, and I know not to cause too much trouble or try to bend the universe to my will, that never works either. I just play along, but with a higher level of awareness and critical thinking. I was with a transformer guy, a big robot kinda like Optimus Prime. I asked to see his real face and he removed a mask or something and revealed a more or less human face, masculine, but big because he was big. I climbed over a fence, tried to fly when I jumped off it but something of my clothing caught so I didn't get far. On the other side there were people who seemed to be larping or something, with fake swords and axes. I walked about even though I knew it was risky. I think I might have been hit once or twice, ended up in a chinese restaurant moving bowls of water around... I have a fair few dreams with are like video games too, first person shooters where I'm fighting terminaters or aliens or WW2 soldiers or zombies. They can be pretty realistic and a lot of fun. Sometimes they scare me and I force myself to wake up even though I know it's only a game.
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xpsyuvz		#69	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/14/09 10:11:11	I do have insurance, but it doesn't help pay for psychological help much, though. But if I ever couldn't work (and I have worried about this), I'm guessing someone from my family would take me in -- they are nice people. Plus, when I wrote that last that piece was a "bit of an exaggeration", what I wanted to write but was too tired was: I saw this movie about a boy with extreme stuttering problems, and I was thinking about characters Sacha Baron Cohen creates (Borat, Bruno, Ali G), and thinking of mixing and exaggerating other problems I'm familiar with to create a sad, tragic character I can identify with but with an entertaining flavor. E.g. In real time, I may speak things mildly awkwardly (but it's no speech impediment) except for maybe with alcohol: slurry. I don't even remember ever saying anything like that classic: "I'm not as think as you drunk I am, ociffer" joke. But I was too close to sleep to write all that. I do hear voices, but they aren't in mean mode lately. And weird-dreamlike in my head hallucinations have lately been quite low. An apple a day, kills a doctor a day, right? Or was it that witches poison apples and they might cause people to sleep forever until a lover kisses them? Those apples. Life can be a bit confusing... (A mild joke.) With sleep (my voices seem to let me take sleep aids lately) and without alcohol, I feel I can still be averagely sane. (But I don't know how much I can quit alcohol or nicotine… annoying addictions.) 　 ----------- Dreams: I liked to read about your dream(s) -- kind of fun. Maybe in a vicarious way. Since hearing voices, I don't remember dreams much. If I remember an intense dream, it seems to have come from my voices... (and then they suggest I shouldn't pay much attention to them -- forget them). Yeah, it's hard to recapture or explain the "glamour" of the original experience of a dream... And there does seem to be a balance between lucidity (that might cause one to become awake) vs. going with a relaxing flow (to listen to more of the dream). But even without the glamour from trying to describe your dreams, it seems to paint towards something hypnotic, which I like. Anyway, the dreams and its predicaments you described were interesting to me. It kind of points towards hypnotic directions. (I like.) An extra paragraph might be fun here. Relative to your abstract ideas/points. Extra points: Where I end it with the words "I like". And use the word "hypnotic" again. Hypnotically, you earned some points I like.
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xpsyuvz		#70	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/14/09 20:04:19	…ended up in a chinese restaurant moving bowls of water around... (I don't know what I'm thinking.) Reaction to a part of Dreams. Part 2: With looney rats watching in the kitchen. 　 There's going to be a battle. In an Asian restaurant. Me to the Chef/waiter: Don't rotate your bowls/dishes too much yet, please. (It's those samurais potentially approaching. (...I want to focus on and may need to fight.) Time stops and I get a 360 degree vision of the situation -- there's also some ninjas hiding in the dark. Chef: Did you want to order? (He's playing the look at the menu distraction technique? Interesting menu presentation, though.) Me: Do you have any cheese? (It's me trying to buy some time to imagine how to react...) Chef: No. Me : (Of course not, but shit, I'm fucked. The surrounding attackers have evolved into something demon-esque with no escape.) Chef: Want a flavor of how you will die? Me: Maybe something that adds misery to the experience, but only destroys all hope until the final end? Chef: Hey, we're into beauty here, okay? Order or get out of the fucking restaurant. (I doubt there is an exit for real, though.) Me: (I can barely read). Kung (I see fighters) Pao (I get ready for combat) Chicken (I get ready for my head to be sliced). Chef: Okay, we'll see what we can do. Best case result: Me: This is quite nice a meal. An other case: Me: So this is what if feels like to get my head chopped off here.
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xpsyuvz		#71	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/15/09 08:08:14	I'm sorry for the internet that might have to store this information: Ketchup is evil. I work with three mentally retarded individuals -- they all prefer ketchup on anything they don't want to eat. Finally, I bought some ketchup for myself. With a mixture of yogurt, I ate it with a banana. I tasted it. Yep, ketchup tasted like Satan's food. Now I wonder about this popular flavoring that US Americans use? Maybe they are infected? Ketchup is evil! (Well that would be a nice, simple explanation for world problems, huh?) (Still, I'm against any Congress bill that perpetuates the production of ketchup, or catsup.) Vomit.
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xpsyuvz		#72	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/16/09 11:26:50	About potentially losing my job: I had to go to a training today (with minimal caffeine and without much sleep). After the first sentence the trainer spoke, her words were causing me to hallucinate. And then she talked on and on… The hallucinations weren't bad, but physically my shakes started and increased to twitches. My twitches and shakes were disrupting the class. (It was alcohol withdrawal. Is it really that others don't have this problem so much? I guess so.) During a break: Me to the trainer: How much longer is this going to last? I'm having problems. (It was obvious.) Her: Not long. (And she offered to let me leave and come back later.) I stayed, and I think the trainer then quickened/cut the training short because of me. (It was all stupid info anyways being taught.) But fuck. There's a few training meetings a year, and I don't think I can handle them anymore. I understand: back down on the alcohol. Back it down. But when I say, "back it down", I'm thinkingL bad things, like dragons… kill me now or forever hold your peace… Or not. That threatening tongue leads into a liver, but where does it end? Then shit. The end. Forget it. But yes, that's it. A roller coaster riding against swords and lasers. Hello again, pain and embarrassment. I'm tired.
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MKULTRA ver II		#73	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 07/18/09 08:12:55	I told you alcohol is bad. :P I'm drinking again myself, not too badly but I hope to stop soon. I'm much more productive when I don't drink. When I drink I just feel bored all the time. I'm spending a lot of time trying to find an electronic music station I like. I don't like most of them. The closest I've found so far is Digitally Imported's Electro House channel. It's not dark enough, and the songs go on a bit too long, but it isn't too fast or too saturated by bass drum like gabber or hard house, it doesn't have that lame overpowering trance synth pad like trance, and not too much vocals like regular house, and there's enough weird sounds per song to keep me entertained. Could use a some more weird sample loops. Oh well, beggers can't be choosers. And to complete this D.I. advert, you can find them if you type D i g i t a l into a shoutcast search page (like the one native to the new winamp.) I go for the 24kbs AAC stream myself... Last Edited By: MKULTRA ver II 07/18/09 08:20:04. Edited 2 times.
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xpsyuvz		#74	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/18/09 18:48:08	I always forget about listening to streaming stations, and I have been getting bored of my own music collection... Streaming, I sometimes feel confined to listening to what others play for me. But maybe if I had a handful of potentially interesting streaming stations, I could switch to another one if I got bored? The Electro House channel seems interesting. I tend to like the songs with less house/dance-ish flavor. (I think it may be a gateway drug towards more house/dance. though -- dangerous. :) ) (Heh, after an hour or so of that channel, I don't notice the house flavor that originally felt "off" with me.) -------------- Yesterday, I wrote a list of things to think about before ever taking a drink. My top two things were: ---Alcohol seems faster than expected to be causing permanent nerve damage. (And I think that's why my shakes are getting worse, even though I'm not drinking more.) (And after the shakes, I can feel pain in a burning way in my arms.) ---Alcohol "causes" me to smoke. And cigarettes faster than expected seem to be causing lots of shallow breathing episodes. (And sometimes pain in my chest.) It seems to be my most dis-incentives to drink are seeing the long term health results because of a fear of certain pains that take "forever" to pass away. And I'm also not into wanting to die as I used to be. This is different than other reasons, which I'd classify as (more temporary) : 1. It destroyed something I care about in life. (Other than the avoidance of long term pain (I tried to allude to), I'm not sure what do I care about in life more than the high feelings from alcohol?) 2. It's temporary after effects were bad (but they may not have been worse than avoiding alcohol to avoid them). I'm not trying to be an ass. I'm trying to be my own devil's advocate. One other longer term point is, that: Every drink kind of hurts my creating a habit of not drinking -- a habit that will probably take effort to re-create (like before when I didn't drink) -- to postpone my top two fears (i.e. a feeling to postpone death and long term pain) -- even if it is just intuitive because I can't think of a reason to live at the moment...) Last Edited By: xpsyuvz 07/18/09 18:52:25. Edited 1 time.
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xpsyuvz		#75	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/19/09 11:05:46	Maybe some lazy talk: I drank. But I drank because I hadn't slept for 40 hours. Where I think alcohol lead to finally 4 hours of craved sleep. (But I maybe could have got similar sleep without it?) Semi-dream: I woke up to the question of "what was I dreaming?" (Me causing?) explosions of violence in a mall? I can't remember much else. (My voices were following/echoing my question up with "why do I drink?") Mostly I couldn't remember the dream -- but it triggered a childhood memory (maybe a memory also meant as a pre-alcohol, fun time) : One summer, someone had gunpowder. We made pipe bombs. For explosions. Somehow it was fun to make them, light them off, run for "duck and cover", yet also watch what happened... Okay, that Electro House station is still running on my computer. I'm not sure if it's a good influence. It induces hypnosis. My eyes… almost don't like it. But by the time they're half way closed, I'm thinking it's summer, and the music reminds me how much I like to sweat... (I may have a hard time keeping brain thoughts relating to the environment.) I think I do like Burroughs -- more than any other author I've read. I'm too lazy to read much. I wanted to be able to read some normal novels --- but usually the author's writing stinks (of their own ass) too much. It's hard to explain. But one typical, specific question to the author is: why are you writing so many un-interesting words? But, of course, everyone has an ass that stinks. I need to learn how to accept others' faults, to be able to be semi-open to them. Then I think: trees and plants usually grow upwards. And I can't forget: I have so many of my own, problems (that translate to vulnerabilities) also -- nightmarishly so. ------------- A pathetic story: There is a bird in my window-sill. She's stuck. My apartment is below ground. My window-sills only lead to above ground. But also, they are over-head covered with trees and plants. Me: "Hey, you!!!! Fly away, bird!" (That should scare a bird away, right?) But she stood frozen. She doesn't know how to get out of the position of where she is. For a couple days. Finally I heard her chirping. She was stuck in the bushes above ground, trying to escape. Me: "Yes, bird. Keep trying!" Finally she did escape. I imagine her being able to fly around and being able to catch a worm or insect for nourishment. But I still try to remain vegatarian.
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xpsyuvz		#76	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/22/09 01:22:29	Semi-bad day. (Info others need not read, but it theraputically maybe is fun to just vomit out.) Post traumatic stress disorder? I think I can relate to that. But with the "post" part only being occasionally relevant -- since my voices are still ongoing. I feel captured by an enemy that wants to torture me anytime they want. (Them: Welcome to hell, you.) First, it's sleep deprivation. (I'm actually good at this.) But then it's other things. (Too awkward to describe.) Years of this seems to be taking it's toll. (...Just of whiff of my voices, and I want to die.) Yeah, today it's an embarassing journal-esque post. (Fiction mode.) I smoked a cigarette on a bridge. I was in-taking an appreciation of both: --What human architecture has achieved -- the skyline of skyscrapers, and the bridge itself. -- And what nature achieved -- plants and the water below me… --- animals confuse me. Then I jumped off. The falling was great. Great enough for me to regret that I made a choice that probably would be my last. Gravity maybe makes sense to some (those physicists, them), but it's still contains a bit of mystery to me. Which reminds me that astronomy is interesting. Telescope results inspire me to explore what I can't reach. Girl: Hi, good morning. Smile. Me: Hi, you're so beautiful. …But, goodbye. (I don't mean you're not good enough. More that I'm not good enough for you.) It's a puzzle. For whatever reasons. (There are parts of life that are ugly. I can't deal with them.) I'm dying. Landing: My digestive system gets destroyed. My circulatory system gets destroyed. My nervous system gets destroyed. My reproductive system gets destroyed. My excretory system gets destroyed. My skeletal remains will eventually decay. Me: Houston, the eagle has landed. (My body hit the water.) One small step for man, one even smaller step for mankind. Death. The final frontier. Where no man has gone before with the ability of returning. Fantasy about an afterlife: There's less of a choice for beings here, I'm guessing is a result, now. Angels of evil or good ask me if I want to throw Frisbees in the park for un-fun or for fun. Me: No. I don't. (I have no trust anymore with anyone at all. And everything is unfun, anyway.) I want unconsciousness/sleep. If there is an after-death existence, then I'm sure I will also fail there too.
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MKULTRA ver II		#77	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 07/22/09 08:43:07	I'm quite flat emotionally. Almost cold. But I don't feel bad. My mind is occupied with computer programming, and I completely ignore social things. Sometimes friends come over and knock on my door, and I just ignore it and sit silently at my computer, waiting for them to go away because I just want to program... I suspect I have an emotional malfunction, but I like it.
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xpsyuvz		#78	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/22/09 11:31:07	What if: They found a skull on the moon. That would be weird.
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xpsyuvz		#79	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 07/22/09 11:53:56	…Sometimes friends come over and knock on my door, and I just ignore it and sit silently at my computer, waiting for them to go away because I just want to program... If someone knocks on my door without calling first, it does feel invasive. Plus it shouldn't happen. No one is allowed in my apartment. (The few people that know me, know this is my rule.) My stance: Call me. It will be screened, via answering machine. If I feel it interesting or work related, then I'll call you back.
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Ducky M		#80	[url]	[-]
Posts: 10 08/06/09 09:22:11	Sometimes an addiction can be countered with another addiction. Try developing an addiction to silence. You seem to be dwelling closer to the rajasic end of the scale. Perhaps your use of alcohol reflects a desire to move towards the sattvic ideal. Unfortunately alcohol use often results in overshooting the mark, bringing you too close to the tamasic end. The cultivation of silence may bring you closer to the mark without undesirable overshoots. Last Edited By: Ducky M 08/07/09 15:25:56. Edited 1 time.
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