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xpsyuvz		#21	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 05/18/09 02:52:34	The rats are becoming immune too. http://discovermagazine.com/2000/may/breakenglish Funny-scary. Or rather, "Shit," said xpsyuvz, dropping his newly purchased poison-bait boxes. At the store, I was feeling pretty annoyed. I was in a self check-out aisle. Half-way through scanning my items, I just checked out and left, leaving half my groceries behind. It was an unintentional semi-punk reaction maybe. But I have more poison-bait boxes now. I hope they help. A few weeks ago, I came across a local news article of some 80 year old guy dying from mice bites. The video showed lots of mice scurrying around -- in a horror scene way. I didn't find a link to it, but found this which appeared amusing in a paranoia building sense: (Huntavirus) : http://www.clipsyndicate.com/video/play/868620/deer_mice_a_human_death_trap (It's interesting how symptoms of panic attacks imitate other symptoms caused by other things….)
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xpsyuvz		#22	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 05/20/09 04:02:56	I've been feeling really hopeless lately. I can't escape my voices, hallucinations, sleeplessness, and then I exacerbate it with alcohol. But maybe my desperation came off as a prayer? As opposed to usual torture patterns, Voice #1 finally came to me with wings, painting thick layers of apathy all over my body. I'll take the offer. I can love apathy. (Is that a contradiction?) Court case: Me vs. environment: I agree I'm a loser and feel apathetic about it and you'll hold back on torturing me. Me: Grr,... Are you keeping your end of the bargain, still? Voice #1: Of course not, I'm above any law. Me: Fuck. Voice #1: Fuck you. Can't see where I broke the bargain? Me: Give me a moment... Voice #1: Take your fucking time. Me: Maybe I'm not being accepting or apathetic enough? Voice #1: Cute. Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite. (Shit. He knows he an my other my voices will keep me awake.) ... But I suppose I appreciate that I'm still drenched in apathy for now.
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MKULTRA ver II		#23	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 05/20/09 17:32:12	The voices have been at you all this time, yet you're still ok really. It takes how many of them to upset your mood? A whole gang? All this time, and all a whole gang has managed is to make you feel depressed and apathetic. You'd expect a powerful gang out to get you to have achieved much more than that... which indicates that really they are pretty powerless. All you have to do is learn to ignore or deflect the voices. Frontal attack probably won't work, since they're part of your own psyche so really you're attacking yourself. Ignoring or playfully telling them "I know you don't really mean that" will probably work better. If you aren't going to go on proper meds, then a cognitive approach is called for. Don't mind the voices, and feel good about the fact that they're powerless to really do anything. Think about it... they reckon they're great cosmic forces, and the best they have to do is to try and make you miserable? It doesn't add up. They're fakes.
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MKULTRA ver II		#24	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 05/20/09 17:33:22	You should stop the alcohol too. But see a doctor about that.
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Asplagis		#25	[url]	[-]
Posts: 9 05/20/09 18:28:23	If the gang starts riding motorcycles with glowing skulls on the front, be scared. And the mice story reminded me of Rats: The Night of Terror where the heroes are running from a horde of mutant rats which happen to be a bunch of rubber rats glued to a treadmill. Otherwise, I agree with what MK said. Asplagis
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xpsyuvz		#26	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 05/21/09 02:52:22	I just watched the trailer to Rats: Night of Terror via youtube. That made me smile. Thanks, Aspalgy. MK, …All this time, and all a whole gang has managed is to make you feel depressed and apathetic…. In my case, my voices seem to also be able to cause physical pain and sleep deprivation. If voice #1 wanted to drive me to suicide, I believe he could. But mostly now the theme is just sleep deprivation. One anxiety I have is someone entering my apartment. I just had a hallucination of Christopher Walken invading my room. (My eyes were closed.) Me: You're not real. CW (coming closer): Can you fill my cup up with liquid? It's for my dying grandmother... I instinctively grabbed for a bat for defense, but I only grabbed an empty box, and that's when I realized again: You're not real. Then I had to dispel the image of a dinosaur sucking at my spine. These absurd images seem to just be there to keep me awake, maybe? Think about it... they reckon they're great cosmic forces, and the best they have to do is to try and make you miserable? It doesn't add up. They're fakes. Yeah, it doesn't add up to me either. …But it's still annoying. (I'll have to think about this more.) You should stop the alcohol too… Maybe a good thing is that I'm so frustrated at the moment, that I don't want to drink much. (I just want to cry.) I'm having a bad few days. (Hopefully, I think the phase will end soon -- it's usually just cyclic.)
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MKULTRA ver II		#27	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 05/21/09 06:35:52	I just had a hallucination of Christopher Walken invading my room. (My eyes were closed.) Me: You're not real. CW (coming closer): Can you fill my cup up with liquid? It's for my dying grandmother... I instinctively grabbed for a bat for defense, but I only grabbed an empty box, and that's when I realized again: You're not real. Then I had to dispel the image of a dinosaur sucking at my spine. Those are some cool images! I record my dreams, and I think those are great. The bizarre comment from Walken, and a dinosaur sucking your spine... cool! Sure, a scary nightmare, but still, I have to give points for creativity! Here's a thought... have you considered recording this stuff? I sleep with an electronic recorder and tape my dreams, transferring them to computer every now and then. I think your imagery is very inventive, so perhaps you could make the best of it and save it? Might come in handy for a novel, game or something later. Last Edited By: MKULTRA ver II 05/21/09 06:47:37. Edited 2 times.
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xpsyuvz		#28	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 05/21/09 18:55:45	Heh… yeah, I'll give creativity points to Voice #1 (and his Christopher Walken impersonation). (I wish I could share his Jesus impersonation -- but ever since I mentioned to that mask "you're not real" I haven't experienced it again.) I have similarly looked at my voice's images like dreams. (It is maybe nice to be able to be so lucid with them.) And I'll let them impregnate things that come out of my mouth, or on my computer: out of my fingers -- where I may even save them to a file. But today, I've been into trying to ignore them as much as I can. (BTW, "impregnate" was a sidetracking infection from my voices.) Maybe I'd like to write a story. But I feel too uninspired/wasted... Like looking in a mirror, out of my body I look at myself and see an empty skull: Fucking dead. (That was a sentence/image produced from a struggle with my voices. (Voice #1 finally then told me he doesn't think of me as just a dead skull.)) Aside from the insects, I was just watching a skateboarder skate across my mind, and when he reached the edge it was kind of a funny wipeout. But again, today, I'm trying to ignore them as much as I can.
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MKULTRA ver II		#29	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 05/22/09 06:42:51	That's probably a better move. Still, if you get an impression of anything exceptionally interesting, it might be worth making a note of. I really liked the "dinosaur sucking at my spine" image, though I don't want to be insentive. I often find the things you write intersting, they have a real kinda horror-surrealness to them. Is me saying that in bad taste?
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xpsyuvz		#30	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 05/22/09 15:53:36	Nah, I didn't find your post insensitive or in bad taste. I do try to play with the frustrations, so I took it positive. (Bleh, I usually like to think before I post, but I got to rush to work.)
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xpsyuvz		#31	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 05/23/09 22:55:29	Just a vent: I went from stages of how: It feels difficult to find the when and wheres of an AA meeting. And me also wondering about how I would be able to juggle any found results with my work schedule and my aversion to sitting in a room with other people? To: Imagining, even if I did find a meeting, what the meeting would feel like for me... I'd listen ...then space out. Then feel an initial appreciation that I did not have a machine gun. Then I'd feel like running out of the room, but would stay. Then think, I appreciate people. But then would look at eyelids. Those eyelids. They seem like interesting introductory parts where if one were to want to peel the skin off a face, that might be an interesting place to start... Slow motion-like. Then the meeting would end, and I'd be thinking "Why would I want to do that?" (Then I'd remember I barely heard a word that was being said...)
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MKULTRA ver II		#32	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 05/24/09 21:54:38	AA may or may not be a good option. They can be a bit too religiousy for some. A bit too christian. If that sounds offputting, look up some other groups that deal with addiction. Then again, if that sounds ok, then check it out.
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xpsyuvz		#33	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 05/25/09 03:03:00	I doubt I'll ever make it to an AA meeting. I'm not too off-put with religious stuff. But I believe Jesus is a myth. (But actual existing god-like beings, I still respect.) Voice #1: I was your catalyst to start drinking. With AA or not, through me is your only escape. Since I can't sleep, I wanted to watch the sun rise -- as if that could provide for a moment of serenity. That's not going to happen. (Him: Close your eyes and relax. Watch the noise instead. Me: …Bleh, okay. (But at least I'm not drinking.))
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MKULTRA ver II		#34	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 05/26/09 17:28:15	Not drinking is good, even if it makes you more anxious at first. It helps to have other ways to entertain yourself too, some movies or something.
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xpsyuvz		#35	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 05/26/09 22:22:11	Thanks for the support, MK. This week especially I want to cut back. I have no work Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then a financial budget meeting with my Executive Director (top boss) Friday, and I don't want my typical shakes for that meeting. So extra effort mode: no matter how pathetic... I may only watch DVDs and go on random walks this whole week. (Weirdly, I'm not afraid of not sleeping or voice distractions, but my fear is with (as Ducky M would say) Al Cohol.)
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xpsyuvz		#36	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 05/28/09 13:35:32	Imaginary therapy session: First there's no talk, just silence. ...Finally the Dr. asks: So how do you feel? Me: (pulling out my hidden pistol) Fuck you. [Blam.] Once I know he's dead: Me: Well, firstly, these walls... they're mother-freaking infecting me. They're made of wood and their splinters hurt my nerves. I do love the floor. And I appreciate the ceiling, but I don't trust it -- impending collapse... Dr: (quiet). Me: Yesterday, my sister called. ...She's cute and I love her to death. She talked of getting married -- and I was thinking how she obviously and obliviously tangents her thoughts... She's maybe more crazy than me? Voice #1 said: She's doomed. I thought that was a bit harsh, but maybe true, and I ended up feeling sad. (Silence.) Voice #1: So after voices #2 and #3 finish their cat fight, what's it going to be today? Me: From the library, I borrowed some Dario Argento DVDs, I'm hoping to watch. Voice #1: Or... Me: Okay, I'll take one of your imaginary Westerns... Then: Jesus, fuck. What's with all the sudden surroundness of police?
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MKULTRA ver II		#37	[url]	[-]
Posts: 53 05/30/09 10:33:42	I noticed HBW turned up at KIR.
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xpsyuvz		#38	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 05/31/09 01:45:13	Fun info. Actually, I noticed that too recently, but then got distracted with stupid, fucking, dumb shit. I'm going to use my little fingers to march over to KIR and give him a hello...
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xpsyuvz		#39	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 05/31/09 19:37:54	I was able to lay down and relax. Without chemicals or background DVD noise distractions, I was able to lay down/relax without a voice attack. Pathetic, but it felt nice. (Physically relaxing and mentally later it seemed like I felt a sensation of "victory" -- heh, losers shouldn't feel sensations like that because it could via comparisons then make them feel worse…) I may have only slept an hour, or maybe I didn't even sleep. Then voice #3 kicked a decapitated head in front of my face. Voice #1: Hey its' me. What's up? Me: I'm thinking 2009 might be a good and possible year to [edit]…relax[/edit]. Voice #1: Good luck. Me: Please stop laughing. …(silent building frustration.) Me: Okay, whatever, never mind. (Still, I'm going to try to naturally relax whenever I can.)
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xpsyuvz		#40	[url]	[-]
Posts: 99 06/09/09 20:20:11	Triggers. (Everything triggers me. But, for now, just for fun...) : There's a commercial that sings: "What would you do -- oo- oo, for a Klondike bar?" (I think the product is supposedly for a tasty, sweet, ice cream treat?) Voice #1 sang the commercial to me. Me (not feeling well) : ... I'd kill you. Voice #1: Again, what would you do? Me: Buy a gun. Voice #1: With what? Me: Money and extra bullets. Voice #1: So then what would you do -- oo -- oo? Me: I'd then try to blow my fucking brains out. Voice #1: ...for a Klondike bar (...he sings while sticking his tongue out for extra effect). (He won again vs. my frustration, ...but fortunately nothing really happened...)
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