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Since I hadn't seen any recent posts from you at KIR or The Star Chamber either, I suspected something was up.

I'd go nuts without my telephone landline -- it's my only access to both telephone and internet.
I'd probably also would go crazy if I had to slow back down to 56k dial-up...
(This reminds me of also a smoking nicotine vs slow down problem I have... I was going too insane so I broke down and bought another pack of cancer sticks, grrr, bleh. Or rather:
Bullshit... It (where via a metaphor now I'm imagining the cigarette pack) is the stuff that comes out the back end of a male cow. ...but nevermind...

My embarrassing moment seems almost trivial now.
(It was about a staff meeting, where I hadn't slept much (bleh 10 hours of sleep per week?), and was distracted with semi-hallucinations, was shaking from alcohol withdrawal, couldn't sit still because I took too much caffeine as an attempt to be alert (where I learned it makes me not able to sit still), and just basically I'm socially retarded in general... ---- Everyone saw it, where I thought they thought I was on meth, or heroin, or some other heavy drug (that's untrue) -- but it was only 5 people seeing this, and they're all understanding people...)

My problems seems trivial now because one of my co-worker's lost her son/kid (the cutest 8 year old kid in the world), apparently just drowned in a local canal…
It's an indirect story, but my heart is breaking…

Time to end this post.

I think the universe occasionally likes to take advantage of people who want to express care.
(Make them fail!)
Of course, there's probably lot's of more reasonable explanations for why your "original" post didn't work out.

But it reminds me of my beliefs:
I believe I have chakras that suck, and my voices are trying to cure them which will feel sadistic, because that's just their only option process of curing a loser.
(It's a personal thing and I don't expect anyone else to relate to.)

Thanks for your relevant response, MK.
(Don't read the rest until you're really bored. (And it doesn't need any reponse.))

I'm having another bad day.

I try to ignore lots, but then on internal Jeopardy --- a game show that presents an answer and the contestants/me then try to provide the correct question…. (I'll play for now...)

Me: I'll choose "A gun", for zero points.
Response: A gun pointed towards a being.

So I'm thinking who holds the gun and who is it pointing towards?


1. My voices with a gun pointed towards me, or maybe just my problems?
(The voices appear like zombies… Or a demon-snake that slithers up through my nerves and makes me forget things, then produces horrid other things)....

2. Me with guns pointed towards everything.
(And I'll save some bullets for anyone making fun of me. And the woman I loved but rejected me. And... (I'm not sure who else, but "everything" seems to mostly cover it. (Hopefully the bullets would miss MK, and any other friends, though. E.g. "We're ready for take off" -- that voice I wouldn't want to shoot...))
(However, towards my zombie-demon- voices, the bullets seem to be just shot into a dark night of insomnia...)

3. Others with guns (if I didn't already out of random frustration shoot you first) : Just fucking kill me. I don't care anymore...

In the end, we're all going to be dead anyway. So:

Me at the game show quickly slaps the buzzer: What is an efficient death tool?
Response: No. We were looking for: "What is something both a gun holder and victim maybe should be patient about?"
Me: Heh, well, fuck me...

I like that Quake fight idea.
But maybe just as an idea.
My responses in real time tend to be very slow. My preference is I see something and just stare in some state of hypnotic confusion. (And I dislike breaking out of it.) And then slowly formulate ideas about what it is. And then how I should react.
Anyway slow…. --- maybe if I'm really caffeinated, though...

(I got to go to work for the next 24+ hours. It will be a bit of a Fakeness fight (to try to appear sane)...)

Yes, I've thought this similarly.
Except of how things chronologically happened to me, where it then seems a little more twisted than that...

(Fuck me. This is really hard for me to explain, but maybe it's helpful for me to try.)

Point 1: I heard voices several years before I ever started drinking or had sleep deprivation.
The voices were much more constant and impressive. But then gradually they became more mean/annoying and then went into sleep deprivation mode -- where that made me gradually start to drink and then drink more.

Point 2: I now seem to have two types of hallucinations. Ones that seem to come from voices (and they're not being mean anymore), and ones that seem to come from sleep deprivation or alcohol.

(So with the latter hallucination category, I tend to agree with your idea.)


Tangent: I think my voices aren't being mean because I'm playing along with their "deal" of not trying to fall asleep. (E.g. It's been maybe 40 hours with only 3 hours of sleep at this moment, and I'm not complaining to them.)

But then there is an aftermath of "what the f?" stuff (sleep deprivation and 9 US standard sized vodka shots) -- where it... well, actually I feel rather normal right now... (but it's slanted -- against withdrawal and maybe more...)

Sleep aids:
In the past my voices have tortured me for trying to take Ambien, diphenhydramine, or even pot -- so I'm wary to re-try most of that sedative category...
Maybe my voices are helping me kick an addiction towards sleep? --- but drove me towards alcohol addiction -- but are now kind of trying to imply I should kick alcohol love? ) ?
(Yeah, it's seems contradictory that alcohol is a depressant that seems friendly, where other depressants don't seem friendly.)

I don't know. And sorry if this was an awkward post.
(My therapy theory here is to try to digest, then try to explain things in a way that can make sense to myself later or to another...)

But I hate to think MK may have gotten... shot in WW2. ...I'm afraid of the visual of blood dripping out of a helmet. Shit, Fuck. (In the head? I feel rather sick...)
(...where I totally lost my previously intended thought...)

But it reminded me to mention I probably won't get to looking into Quake (any time soon)... I haven't played a computer game in 20+ years. And I'm guessing after I look into it, it wouldn't be for me.

But there is an intricately, carved and curved pitchfork punctured into my head right now. You're invited to imagine how the frontal skull and eyeballs get ripped out of my torn face... (Bleh. And maybe from a goat-guy with demon horns -- to make my vision over the top/(I can't think of the word but where that last part was mostly from me -- as an added joke). (But it should maybe be followed up with some experience of watching nature -- peaceful grass and trees?)

Yeah, or at least with my interpretation, Ambien especially seems to have a potential "sleepwalking" effect. (Acting but not too conscious of it.)
I think all sedatives may have similar effects, but to different degrees. Same with alcohol, but I feel more conscious with it.
(I took a partial pill of Ambien earlier this week with alcohol, and fell asleep -- it was so nice. I hadn't slept for quite a while.)

The converse fear I have with caffeine (with sleep deprivation) is narcolepsy. (Suddenly not being able to act because of loss of consciousness.)