Hanging of the edge of a ridicuoulsly high mountain, struggling through a decrepit basement labyrinth of pipes and doors and mouldy, decaying brickwork, watching giant helicopter robots fighting, etc etc.

....Kicking alcohol is serious business.

I actually don't mind the withdrawals (too a degree). In fact, if I totally quit, I'll also miss those familiar features of my... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/180 Mon, 07 Dec 2009 03:56:24 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/179/t/4-AM.html#reply-179
But yeah, I really think some professional medical advice is in order. Kicking alcohol is serious business. ]]> feeds@yuku.com (MKULTRA ver II) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/179 Fri, 04 Dec 2009 02:48:03 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/178/t/4-AM.html#reply-178 (One goal: answer without describing any of my hallucinations.)

Downer Pills:

Ambien. Diphenhydramine, And a lot of herbal pills that contains ashwaganda and magnolia. (And unfortunately a bit more alcohol.)

(I should not have taken so much.)

(Then I take caffeine and nicotine.)

After the pills wear off and I get to 0.0% BAC, I still have to deal with sleep deprivation and... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/178 Fri, 04 Dec 2009 00:13:54 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/177/t/4-AM.html#reply-177
With your drinking levels it is unlikely you'll cope without any kind of sedation. Unfortunately it'll probably be bad no matter what... I really wish you could get professional medical help with this. ]]> feeds@yuku.com (MKULTRA ver II) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/177 Thu, 03 Dec 2009 20:46:04 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/176/t/4-AM.html#reply-176 My breathalyzer is horrifically depressing.

I've been taking sleeping pills (which I hate) as an attempt to drink less. But I think, not only do they trigger more awake-nightmares, but they weaken my inhibitions about drinking.

After lots of heck-ish effort and my sleeping pills wearing off, the breathalyzer test results are: 0.30%. (I didn't realize I could still be having the shakes with such a high BAC level.)

Actually, and... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/176 Thu, 03 Dec 2009 19:04:51 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/175/t/4-AM.html#reply-175
Your job sounds pretty stressful. ]]> feeds@yuku.com (MKULTRA ver II) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/175 Thu, 03 Dec 2009 07:13:44 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/174/t/4-AM.html#reply-174 (More retardedness.)

About a pet peeve:

Please do not use a pronoun without first clearly defining what (e.g. it) the pronoun you are using refers to!!!! (This doesn't happen so much in writing communication.)

(Question what does "this" refer to? My answer: Speaking with pronouns without mentioning what the pronoun refers to.)

But it happens to me in real life.

The pronoun quickly,... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/174 Wed, 02 Dec 2009 23:01:10 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/173/t/4-AM.html#reply-173 Now, I remember why, years ago, before I started drinking, how I could just stare at a wall...
over and over again. (A bit catatonia like.)

There is a wall.
(It's first seems so blank and innocent. Then becomes pretty and ugly.
Romantically beautiful and sadistically boring,)

(More semi-grrr feelings.)

The wall has parts.
Parts kind of like eyes....
like how eyes are a part of a head
and... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/173 Sun, 29 Nov 2009 20:09:16 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/172/t/4-AM.html#reply-172 (Whimper.)

Nice image (of that person) to go with your message.
And thanks. You've been giving me nice warning signs.
My breathalyzer is making me cry.
I have to lose alcohol, my best friend.

Psychologically I can barely wrap my mind around this.
Physically I did just cheat (because of shakes).
But I'm noticing how... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/172 Thu, 26 Nov 2009 10:38:08 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/171/t/4-AM.html#reply-171 feeds@yuku.com (MKULTRA ver II) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/171 Wed, 25 Nov 2009 18:41:11 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/170/t/4-AM.html#reply-170 It was an alcohol breathalyzer.
...Until I tried it out:
….It first read 0.30 % BAC. (I thought I was normal...)
Then I drank until I was "happy" --- where the device apparently doesn't measure past 0.40% BAC.

This gadget is depressing me, now.
I want some sleep now!
But I also want to get the breathalyzer to measure 0.0% alcohol.... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/170 Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:59:36 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/169/t/4-AM.html#reply-169 As a friend, on the opposite side of planet Earth, I wanted to say, I appreciated your last response.
Here's an awkward response (and I'm tired) :

(In a dissociative sense, I may partially respond where Sammy is strongly there. (Sammy is not a voice, just a monster part of me. You would have to look into my eyes to see when Sammy is "there" or "not there". (Maybe look for madness for... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/169 Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:47:11 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/168/t/4-AM.html#reply-168
Gah! It's 5.20 am and I'm slightly drunk and on a low dose of codeine. This wouldn't be so bad, except that I've been slightly drunk and on codeine for the last 3 nights. Last night the codeine took me by surprise. It made me itch all over, something I haven't experience in years. I had to lay down on the floor to stop the nuasea, and I was worried that I might pass... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (MKULTRA ver II) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/168 Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:39:16 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/167/t/4-AM.html#reply-167 Here's a pathetic road trip idea:

This link it just an into map:
http://www.nps.gov/crmo/planyourvisit/directions.htm

Starting from Yellowstone national Park, you can drive through it and maybe see bison and bears, and geysers.
Then south from that, some Grand Teton mountains.
Then west, Idaho Falls, my home... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/167 Sun, 22 Nov 2009 03:36:48 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/166/t/4-AM.html#reply-166 It might not end with a proper ending, but this story starts with a beginning thusly:

Me: Hello, doctor.
This might sound crazy...
I can't sleep - for like two weeks...
I'm hearing knockings at my door.
It's either zombies or responsibilities.... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/166 Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:09:17 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/165/t/4-AM.html#reply-165 "Here is your meal, my master," I say with a smile. And with a bow.

God/master says, "This meal is poisoned."
"Correct, all knowing and indestructible master," I say. "Please, take it as a gesture from your servants that we hate you."

He takes out a pickle from the food on the plate. It was specifically laced with poison from me.
God: What about this?
... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/165 Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:38:28 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/164/t/4-AM.html#reply-164 So next afterwards:
I think I'm experiencing a schizo-alcoholic's version of "wake and bake".
(After waking, (hello, demons,) I took 3 drinks - but that's my limit (because of back drinks still in my blood). It will be hard to stop drinking in the future. But I have to stop because I have a 30 minute drive to work in 24 hours.)
(If the measurements sounds... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/164 Mon, 16 Nov 2009 03:57:26 GMT http://333.yuku.com/reply/163/t/4-AM.html#reply-163


Yes, and personal grrr. I prefer the Australian measurements, but have to start realizing I'm not healthy and it also throws any results off a bit.

(It's embarrassing and sobering when one is hypnotically looking at one's own shit and thinking what is up with the color (sometimes green) and it's frequency....)
(It seems unhealthy.)

If I had a... ]]> feeds@yuku.com (xpsyuvz) http://333.yuku.com/sreply/163 Sun, 15 Nov 2009 18:25:37 GMT http://333.yuku.com/topic/365/t/4-AM.html (I wanted to make my own New Topic.)

Four ante meridiem is my favorite hour lately -- especially if the weather is rainy.
It doesn't occur daily, but when it hits me, either calm or violent, it repeatedly seems to end up as my favorite point of cyclic existence.